After all, that’s truly the only person you can change. Isn’t
it ironic how in marriage we work less at managing ourselves and more
at controlling others? The greater irony is that it never works, yet we
keep at it! Irony aside, trying to change or control your partner will
only frustrate you and alienate your partner.
A Better Way
It
makes more sense to focus on you. What kind of partner are you striving
to be in your marriage relationship? And, how do you demonstrate this
in your attitudes and beliefs about yourself and your partner? Your
answers to these questions reveal your ongoing commitment to personal
development in marriage, or a lack thereof. In marriage and in general,
personal growth begins with …
Knowing Your Self
As
Socrates once said, the unexamined life is not worth living. I would
add that living the life you desire depends on whether or not you’re
willing to examine the life you’re living. The life you’re living is
the life you’ve chosen—and continue to choose each day. To choose
differently you need to become aware of how you currently behave and
manage yourself. Knowing how you think, feel, and act in response or
reaction to the day-to-day situations of your life enables you to more
quickly identify important issues or concerns and to communicate with
greater clarity.
Awareness,
then, is the key that unlocks this vital self information. Let’s take
a closer look at these 3 arenas of awareness and how you can use them
to manage yourself and nurture your marriage relationship.
1. Your Thoughts
– The thinking arena involves your perspective and has a huge
influence on your feelings and actions. Therefore you’ll want to
cultivate a healthy thought life wherein thoughts about yourself,
partner and marriage are basically fair, good, and loving. This
means taking a zero tolerance attitude against thoughts that involve
negative criticism, belittling, or blaming. While it may help you to
release a little steam, thoughts like these can too easily become
habitual toward yourself or your partner. Taking a stand against this
kind of thinking is good self-management that safeguards your own mental
health and your relationship.
2. Your Feelings
– Your emotions pack a powerful influence on your thoughts and
actions. Your ability to hand yourself well in this arena means managing
your feelings or becoming emotionally smart. Research has shown that
the emotionally intelligent person is decidedly aware of the power
emotions exert and recognizes the importance of cultivating the skills
necessary to handling them well for the sake of their personal and
interpersonal wellbeing and success. Managing yourself means managing
your emotions in ways that keep you positively connected with yourself
and your partner. So, start acknowledging your feelings and develop a
feeling vocabulary that can help you fully express this aspect of your
being.